Excuse Connoisseur Pillows

'My dog ate my powerpoint presentation!'

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"I was going to chuck it all and go to Paris but I didn't have enough frequent-flier miles."

"That was totally....what's the word I'm looking for?"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"Honey, I can't go to the gym today. I feel too out-of-shape."

Weatherman: "Tonight's weather forecast is confusing, followed tomorrow by downright bewildering."

'If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room.'

Man with wine glass face looks unhappy.

'I'm going to add to the confusion. I'm going to sign my name upside-down.'

"I said to make a thousand CLONES."

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

"I hear you've a complaint about the eggs..."

"Dammit, Higgins, we don't need simple explanations, we need complicated excuses!"

Bob tries to get off on a technicality.

"I'm good enough at making excuses that I don't have to be good at anything else!"

'A cyber-terrorist stole my homework. I have a note from the CIA. '

"My dog ate my homework. Then the backup files were hacked by Russians."

S**t Threw a Goose

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

'There's a Mr Tilbin here to see you sir. Shall I tell him you're on the phone, in a meeting, or out of the office?'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

"The show's a big hit, but a little too risque. It's not worth the aggravation we're getting from the watchdog groups."

'This advertising campagn is stupid and disgusting and it appeals to peoples' most primitive instincts. I love it.'

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

Adult Absence Notes.

'Arrivals and Departures - this railroad governed by Heisenberg's uncertainty principle'

'Your homework got washed away with your house! A likely story young man! See me after class!'

Mass Confucian

"My dad ate my homework."

'Boy, am I hungry. Alll I've had to eat today is some homework!'

"For your information, officer, I was not ‘texting’ – I was reviewing candidate applications for fellowship grants!"

"We only shop brick and mortar because my husband likes to be disgruntled face-to-face when returning things."

'Sorry I'm late. I woke up on my back, and you know how turtles are.'