Etiquette Rebuilder Gifts

"And this Halloween, try not to make a specter of yourself."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Hipsters"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

How The Sausage Is Eaten

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

If bar stools were like playground swings...

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

A man at a cocktail party wears a nametag that reads "Trouble".