Ethical Sports Advocate Gifts

Please do not throw vials of steroids onto the field.

"His number is the amount of payola he received to play basketball for his college."

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

Coach to football players: 'And no cuddling!'

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

Slavery Reparations

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

Rest in Peace Instant Replay

Stop with racism in sport!

Beijing 2022

Cleaning Out the WildLife for New Residential Construction.

'There's more to life than winning. There's also testing negative for steroids.'

'So you're the referee who had the courage to call a Technical Foul on Bobby Knight.'

'And remember: when introduced to the other team's captain, make direct eye contact and give a firm handshake...'

Hall of Fame

Listen up, team! There will be no trash talk. No harassing the refs. No throwing elbows. Understand? Yes, coach! Ok, kids! Go play! Coach.

World Cup. Half Empty.

"I'll throw around the 'old pigskin' as long as the pig isn't still in it."

Victim support

The Breakfast of Cheaters

You gave performance enhancing drugs to the girls on the Team Caffeine Hoops Squad?! Mumble. How could you do that? How could you use artificial substances to make them stronger, faster and better athletes? How could you not give me any of the juice? And thus, driven by competitive zeal, society spun out of control. P.S. - To be continued. Next week: A shocking secret!

Match-fixing (cricket)

"There's no way I would ever let my boys play football...it's just too dangerous....!"

People for the ethical treatment of athletes.

Separating steroid users and non-steroid users.

Golf course

"How do you feel about gender testing, Semenya?"

"You will NOT kneel during the national anthem!! And look me in the eye when I'm talking to you!!"

Football League: Concussions R US.

Penalty Box. Shouldn't there also be a "reward" box? I've been nice most of the game!

'I don't regard hunting as a sport.' 'Neither do I!'

"I'd feel more comfortable if you'd use diplomacy."

Spain trial for rigged soccer matches

Football Brain Injuries

"I'd like to be straightforward about all this, but, of course, that's out of the question."