Ethical Meat-eater Gifts

"I'm an 'ethical' carnivore'. Were any of those cows assholes?"

What do you mean you prefer the sound of the sign of the right?! What part of 'either way we're dead' do you not understand?

View to the Future

"Wait—did you procure that worm humanely?"

"Wild-caught, farm-raised, lab-grown, beach-found, or aquarium-harvested."

'I'm a vegetarian.' - 'If it's so wrong to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?'

The Gospel According To Jane Brody"Orange, come in. Apple, come in. Hey you, frankfurter, hold it right there."

'Is it guilt that when you eat us that we are no longer called pigs but bacon, pork chops or ham?'

"Mom, I'm at work – let me call you back after I finish stocking milk for wealthy vegans who like beet juice in their meat alternatives so they can still get that bloody effect when cooking without guilt."

'May future generations forgive you for eating that sausage...'

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

'Now, think hard about it: Do you want to be known as the one who ate the last Dodo?'

"The lobster dinner is thirty eight dollars, or for ten dollars extra you can have him returned to the sea."

Artisan hot dog stand has pigs tethered to it.

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

'I'm from P.E.T.A.. Are you the one who called about animal-rights abuses?'

'Personally I can't see anything wrong with GM crops!'

"They say we destroy plants – such as potatoes, corn and carrots – and they're boycotting us. They're fruitarians."

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

'It's going to be a vegan.'

"We would like to be genetically modified to taste like Brussels sprouts."

'And we'll give you all the carcinogens you can eat.'

"All our vegetables are organic, ethically sourced and stunned before being boiled."

A boy who loves cows/burgers

"On second thought, just give me the ham and forget the roast beef."

"Is it free-range?"

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

'Beef Counselor - mad cow, foot and mouth, diet, nutrition, ethics'

"Nothing is organic, local or sustainable. Now, can we get started?"

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

'Preparing free-range chicken requires an extremely patient chef.'

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"Now make sure your heat is high enough to sear your putrid meat quickly."

'Bacon-butties are my favourite!'