Ethical Meat-eater Gifts

"I'm an 'ethical' carnivore'. Were any of those cows assholes?"

What do you mean you prefer the sound of the sign of the right?! What part of 'either way we're dead' do you not understand?

"Wait—did you procure that worm humanely?"

View to the Future

"Wild-caught, farm-raised, lab-grown, beach-found, or aquarium-harvested."

'I'm a vegetarian.' - 'If it's so wrong to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?'

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

'May future generations forgive you for eating that sausage...'

The Gospel According To Jane Brody"Orange, come in. Apple, come in. Hey you, frankfurter, hold it right there."

'Is it guilt that when you eat us that we are no longer called pigs but bacon, pork chops or ham?'

"Mom, I'm at work – let me call you back after I finish stocking milk for wealthy vegans who like beet juice in their meat alternatives so they can still get that bloody effect when cooking without guilt."

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

'Now, think hard about it: Do you want to be known as the one who ate the last Dodo?'

Artisan hot dog stand has pigs tethered to it.

"The lobster dinner is thirty eight dollars, or for ten dollars extra you can have him returned to the sea."

'I'm from P.E.T.A.. Are you the one who called about animal-rights abuses?'

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

'Personally I can't see anything wrong with GM crops!'

"They say we destroy plants – such as potatoes, corn and carrots – and they're boycotting us. They're fruitarians."

'It's going to be a vegan.'

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

"We would like to be genetically modified to taste like Brussels sprouts."

'And we'll give you all the carcinogens you can eat.'

"On second thought, just give me the ham and forget the roast beef."

A boy who loves cows/burgers

"Is it free-range?"

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

'Preparing free-range chicken requires an extremely patient chef.'

"Nothing is organic, local or sustainable. Now, can we get started?"

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

'Rob is a vegan.'

'Beef Counselor - mad cow, foot and mouth, diet, nutrition, ethics'

"Now make sure your heat is high enough to sear your putrid meat quickly."

'Bacon-butties are my favourite!'

"How 'local' is the fish?"