Essay Extraordinaire Gifts

"Miss Lopez said she wanted the best student in class to stand up and read their English essay. Then she asked me to do it!"

"By the way, the failing grades you'll be seeing-they won't be virtual."

I drive, therefore I am.

Science Lab. I have to work late, dear --- I spent most of the day going the wrong way.

Help wanted!...Ace Software, Inc...Video Game Tournament...Top 5 players get hired!

Teenage Angst.

"Stop applying! You've been accepted to three universities!"

'Pause your games, kids! There's a high fly ball deep to center field!'

"Darren Eggleston. I saw that!"

"Don't forget to click 'Reply All.'"

'The good news is that all the teachers liked the weekend brainstorming retreat. The bad news is that twelve of them are out today with splitting headaches.'

A man on a desert island has an inbox and outbox both filled with sand.

Weather prediction is guesswork.

"Any missed assignments can be excused only with a note from your internet service provider."

Zinzhoff wins Nobel Prize/Creates life in test tube/Or was it in there when he started?

"Blood sweat and tears. I think it's supposed to make us feel guilty."

"Well, don't look at me, you got him the chemistry set!"

"What already?! If it weren't for my extraordinary willpower, I'd be exercising right now!"

'No sir, we're not boarding a flight. My teacher just needs to check my homework in my my dog Sam here, if it wouldn't be too much trouble.'

'I give all my new teachers the same advice. Never minimize the transformative power of a smile attached to your words.'

'My expense account isn't what it used to be. So for lunch I'm taking you fishing, and we'll eat what we catch.'

'Teacher says I don't pay attention, I have no retention but I'm great at detention.'

'Anyone can get to school on time if he tries hard enough, Eddie.'

When scientists start to look like their projects.

"Lucky!"

'I'm sorry, but the only person Mr. McCoy is looking to hire right now is a good criminal defense lawyer. But I'll be happy to pass you resume on to him.'

"Enjoy it while you can, kid. It's a really short hop from 'Geek Genius' to 'Quasi-Creepy, Weird-Looking Old Rich Guy!'"

'Never mind your ideas.. how do you come up with your excuses?'

"A lot of questions about EVs are cleared up once you start driving one."

"I kind of did my maths homework... I worked out that if I was going to watch TV and play a video game, I wouldn't have time to do any homework."

'Nobody really agrees about what marriage is these days, so I'll just say 'Yadda yadda yadda.''

'Alice Ferguson can think of more excuses for her golf score! Today it was labor pains!'

'So in what year did you graduate from the school of hard knocks?'

"The transcranial magnetic stimulation headband lets me feel my victims' suffering."

"Damn! - Someone's beaten me to it..!"