Epicurean Poet T-Shirts

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

Holiday Supplies

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"Hickory smoke—that's what gives it that hearty Western flavor."

"It was a really romantic dinner. I cried when he gave me roses. We had lobster and wine. He cried when we got the bill."

Paul Bocuse caricature

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"Call this cordon bleu?"

Michel Roux Jr

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'This Beef Wellington is as tough as old boots.'

Anthony Bourdain with Chopsticks

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

"I see you've finished your meal, sir. Can I get you anything else?... Coffee? Brandy? A doctor?"

'If I have but one life to live, Pierre, it's going to be a gastric life.'

'On your way back from the Holy Land, can you stop at Paris and pick up some creme brulee?'

'My doctor said I'm digging my own grave with a spoon and fork. It'll take longer if I use only a fork.'

Survival of the Foodiest

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey

"Do you have a strain that pairs well with Chunky Monkey?"

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

'The bill is part of the chef's surprise, sir.'

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

"What's good here?"

You complimented the chef on his dumplings-now he wishes to return the compliments!

'Does this restaurant allow substitutions?'

"Wow - good job!"

'Which wine should I serve with tofu meat loaf and seaweed salad?'