Engagement Ponderer Gifts

'It's a big step getting married. I need time to think about it - What did you say your name was?'

"Oh, Albert! Is that a real diamond ring? Then, if things don't work out between us, I could pay the divorce lawyer with it."

"Darling, I think we need to talk about where this relationship is going..." Male evolution.

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

'...And then, I guess our relationship got TOO meaningful.'

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"Look - I'm cold, you're cold. Why don't we settle down and start a family?"

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

"This may be Malcolm Gladwell talking, but we were married on the wrong day!"

"I advised a patient to take responsibilty for his own actions, and now he is suing me!"

The Male Atom: Sex, Sport, War and Good Intentions.

Max Weber

"It's not that I'm lazy. But I envisage myself not so much climbing the corporate ladder, as taking the corporate elevator."

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"I've been studying reverse psychology at Tonga Tech Online University."

"A cluck cluck here and a cluck cluck there,...is that all I meant to you?"

'How worse? Give me the worst-case scenario.'

Telling Self to Buzz Off

"I don't know why I'm here - I don't need a haircut."

Caption Contest TK

"If you were the only man in the world, and I were the only woman. . . would we still have to diet?"

"We're studying the legal principles of 'crossing a heart and hoping to die'."

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

"We're taking separate vacations this year."

'Please don't read anything into the fact that I'm wearing loafers. I assure you I'm a very energetic worker.'

Meaningful...Meaningless relationships.

"Oh Adam. This is the second...sorry, I mean third happiest day of my life."

'My dad is pushing me to become an alpha male, but frankly, I'd rather be a poet...'

That's no big deal, a lot of people get Siskel and Ebert mixed up

"Have you seen my wife?"

Yeah, I woke up as a roach because I was so full of existential dread – Why did you wake up as a dung beetle?

'Well, that brings us up to my third birthday...'

What brings you to therapy, Rudy? Dr. Noodle. I've been feeling like my whole life is on pause. And I can't find the remote to unpause it. Meanwhile, everyone else's stories are proceeding apace. They're all into the second act already. They've all had plot twists, and hero's journeys, and epic love scenes, and thrilling reversals of fortune ... Meanwhile, I'm still paused on the opening credits because no remote. Why don't you get up off the couch and unpause it manually? You can do that?

I see

"Being a celebrated artist, I do sometimes wonder why you never celebrate me."