Engagement Humorist Pillows

"I have some exciting news. Baked brie wheel and I are engaged."

"If you'll have me, I'd like to be your blind spot."

Border Security

'I'll need four character references.'

'Well, what if I were the last HETEROSEXUAL man on earth?'

"This diamond is puny. If you are really serious about marrying me you've gotta give me a much bigger rock!"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"It started rather well, but then, you sang two wrong notes, so that's a fail in my book. Try again at the next mating season..."

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

'Well, thanks, but we have no need of a Divorce Lawyer: We're Lovebirds you see...'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

When at a loss for words Colin would often resort to communicating through the medium of contemporary dance.

"I honored her every request except for the last one: 'Harold, please stop making a scene'."

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

"I love a woman with a sense of humour."

'Whaddya mean, 'Quit hogging the blanket'? There's a blanket in here?

Always Compatible

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

"I've learned something about you tonight, Alan. You say 'chowmein' when you mean 'lomein'."

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'