End-of-life Care Pillows

"Wow, I can smell something far beyond the expiration date!"

"When euphemism time comes which would you prefer - 'passed away' or should I just say that he boxed?"

"There is no why here."

'He's refusing to die as a protest against Inheritance Tax.'

"I got those famous last words you wanted"

'It states in his will that if he becomes brain dead he wants to go unplugged.'

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

"Death coach..."

"I've already made arrangements to be flushed down the toilet."

'While I'm here, what are your favourite hymns?'

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

"It's a legal document authorizing you to carry out a Do Not Resuscitate order on my behalf, although heaven knows, you have a hard enough time cancelling a magazine subscription."

'It could be hours, or it could be weeks. He's determined to hang on until he finally understands the punchline to a joke everybody else got at a cocktail party in 1947!'

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

Heaven

"Just think of all the cigarettes I could have smoked."

Euthanasia Clinic

"Hope you don't mind—it was his last request."

Tom's last day.

"Just to be clear, you want suicide doors installed on your hearse?"

"What do you mean, what's my favourite hymn?"

Closed Thursdays.

"Get me my gun. I want to squeeze off a few last rounds."

"I want everyone to leave the room, except for the cat."

"I'd like to make a list. What do we kick when we die?"

"Don't mention it."

I don't care if you did win the bloody X-Factor. You're dealing with the H-Factor here.

"Hurry - get the family. I think he's about to communicate his final angry retweet."

"Have a seat!"

"That reminds me, we must sort out your will."

"It's nice, but how do you adjust the sleep number?''

Bug Funerals

"Dad and his stupid bucket list."

"I suggest you say your final 'I told you so'."