Approaching End Of Life Pillows

"Get me my gun. I want to squeeze off a few last rounds."

"I got those famous last words you wanted"

'It states in his will that if he becomes brain dead he wants to go unplugged.'

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

'So far you have enough to smell a rose or two, but not enough to come to a complete stop and smell the roses.'

"I've already made arrangements to be flushed down the toilet."

'While I'm here, what are your favourite hymns?'

'Fortune telling/retirement planning'

'It could be hours, or it could be weeks. He's determined to hang on until he finally understands the punchline to a joke everybody else got at a cocktail party in 1947!'

"It's a legal document authorizing you to carry out a Do Not Resuscitate order on my behalf, although heaven knows, you have a hard enough time cancelling a magazine subscription."

"In normal circumstances a full state pension would be an automatic..."

Heaven

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

"I'm the ghost of your future retirement."

"Just think of all the cigarettes I could have smoked."

Euthanasia Clinic

worker sign: weeks to retirement changable 2078,

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

"He was just a year away from retirement."

"It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your 401k is?"

Tom's last day.

'I re-invested what was left of my 401K into returnable pop cans. I figure by the time I retire I should have about three dollars.'

"Your job is safe - at least until you're too old to be hired for another job but not so old that you can retire."

"There's no getting away from the numbers....only by forgetting holidays, giving up drink, the cinema, meals out and socialising...will we be able to afford any quality of life when we retire."

Daily Grind...'I'm getting too old for this!'

Closed Thursdays.

It's 10pm do you know where your 401-k is?'

"I want everyone to leave the room, except for the cat."

Department of Work and No Pension

"Hurry - get the family. I think he's about to communicate his final angry retweet."

Pension Forecasts

"Have a seat!"

I'm practicing for retirement - one hour every day.

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."