Preparing For Death Pillows

"I hate how you look in that brown suit, but, hey… it's your funeral."

"Why bother?"

"I got those famous last words you wanted"

'It states in his will that if he becomes brain dead he wants to go unplugged.'

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

"Death coach..."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"I've already made arrangements to be flushed down the toilet."

'While I'm here, what are your favourite hymns?'

Remain calm, we need to talk. We don't want to alarm you. Run for your life! Oh boy. The economic news is not good. It's apocalyptic. We both lived through the depression. More like barely survived. We're seeing parallels -- lack of government investment, no-tax policies ... Fire, disease, bad cellphone coverage ... You're enjoying this too much. you said I could. Spend cautiously, Rudy. Have a back-up plan. Sell your gadgets, buy canned goods. Oh boy.

"Get me my gun. I want to squeeze off a few last rounds."

"What if you go under before I need to?"

How to survive the coming crash.

"I want everyone to leave the room, except for the cat."

"Great! The world ended and I slept right through it!"

"Don't mention it."

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

"That reminds me, we must sort out your will."

O'Leary's Monuments

'What's the pass-word?'

"The doctor said I need to shop around for a casket. I asked for a second opinion and he suggested cremation."

'If I were you, I'd start doing those things on your 'Things to do before you die' list.'

'Put it on my tab.'

"This model is priced higher, but it comes with glow-in-the-dark stars."

We picked out headstones. Now we're both trying to outlive each other. I'm with stupid.

Ignitas

"Would you like to save 10 percent today by opening a Palmer Funeral Home account?"

"Fred said he wants his ashes mingled with Daisy's ashes. He said not a word about my ashes!"

"Burial or cremation?"

"What will it take to put one of you two into a brand-new Eterna-5000 today?"

'He's determined to get his money's worth out of it before he dies.'

"I thought she was being shy. It turns out she's a doom-dayer!"

"It's the Will of the People"

We've put it off long enough. Tomorrow. Nope. I got you sugary snacks, and unhooked the television. Devil. C'mon, it'll be fun. I guess. It is morbid. Time to do our death plan! Ooh, peanut butter cups.

Today, our quest continues for someone who can come up with a solution for dealing with the partisan gridlock in Washington. In my day, we built bunkers ten feet underground and stocked them with tuna fish. We planned to sit out the apocalypse down there, eating tuna on crackers and playing Scrabble. Tomorrow, our quest continues ...