Employment Law Pillows

'I agreed to guide you, My contract says nothing about pulling a sleigh,'

Panel discussion: absenteeism in the workplace.

'We'll save a fortune in employment tribunals.'

'If you bothered to check the text messages on your mobile you'd find that I fired you over a month ago !'

I will not be off sick so often. "We find formal disciplinary action most effective in this firm."

'You can't start a job interview with 'How are you ?' It's a veiled inquiry into my general health.'

'right, make sure any new companies we acquire have an ageing workforce'

Rumour and speculation at work.

'You may be confident of your claim but we still can't take a post-dated cheque.'

'I'd like to request flexible working to avoid my family.'

'Unfortunately my staff are now all working flexitime.'

'I didn't do the paper work necessary for you to get paid because I figured you don't need the money since your husband also works.'

"Good luck with your interview. And remember, they can't discriminate based on how many lives you have left."

'I don't think the employment tribunal will be altogether happy with the third column.'

'Conduct dismissal was what I had in mind...but it's just too damned complicated.'

'Let me get this straight...you stole £1200 from your employer so that in the event that he discovered the theft and sacked you, you could then afford the fee to bring a claim to an employment tribunal.'

'It's a suitability test I give all flexible working requests.'

'Well this is a tough choice.'

'Damn. I forgot to sack the staff.'

'Would suit a school leaver...I am a school leaver, I left school in 1968!'

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

'There, but for the grace of an ironclad contract go I.'

'You can't agree on who gets maternity or paternity leave...'

'It's this annual, two week, non-paid, working vacation, I have questions about.'

'I gave them shared parental leave and they left me holding the baby!'

'All equality acts are created equal but some are more equal than others.'

'Let's see what the employment tribunal has to say about that, shall we?'

Abuse or harassment of staff will not be tolerated

"I'm not using the bacon slicer until I've had two weeks in Lanzarote!"

'You can't fire me! -- This is a right-to-work state!'

Absent Staff/Absent Minded Staff.

'Apparently Wednesday is early conciliation day.'

'And finally before I can permit you to shop in this store, have you ever raised your voice to a member of staff on any prvious occasion ?'

'I'm an equal opportunities employer, Mr Moore, but I would expect you to shave before an interview.'

'I like to keep things simple. You're fired.'