Emotional Sage Gifts

"Just ignore your father. He has enough pet peeves to open a zoo."

"That's Barry. . . my ex."

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"And need I remind you, the 'art of the deal' is the lifeblood of this company."

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

That party went well.

'I used to spring forward. Now all I can do is fall back.'

"Hello, my name is Karl and I'm addicted to speaking to small groups of strangers."

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'Oh, yeah? -- Well, my true inner self can whip your true inner self!'

The older I get, the more introspective I get, or is that retrospective?'

"Pastor, may we share a message with you about humility?"

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

A tree cries its leaves off like tears

Personal Relationship Counsellor

Bishop with a crozier case.

'How am I supposed to meditate with your nose whistling?'

'Probably just another correctional movement.'

"Time heals all wounds. It also kills every living thing."

"See? This is what I'm talking about! If you always show how happy you are to see everyone, you give them all the power in the relationship!"

Tariff Adjustment

"Enough already! You’re depressing me!"

'It's a simple two-part strategy. First, locate the hills. Then head for them.'

'They say ninety is the new eighty.'

"That was a fascinating regression. Apparently, you were a pirate in a previous life!"

Couldn't you have used a smaller font?

"You're confusing guilt with feelings of remorse. With remorse, you don't need a lawyer."

"Don't worry, it's nothing."

'How do I tell the president we're looking at an ampersand-shaped recovery? He still doesn't get the supply curve.'

'It's not his knee. It appears his feelings are hurt and the team psychologist is rushing out onto the field.'

'Did you spill my pint?'

'These people have terrible attention spans - I'll just bring them ten commandments at a time.'

'All that we learn from history is that we don't learn from history...'

'Meaning of life, eh? -- Who wants to know?'