Emotional Counselor Pillows

"I got into a fight with Emily over what colour to make our friendship bracelets."

'Progress of a bookshelf'

"I had all the right answers, but I had them in the wrong order."

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

Relationship Warning Lights

"You've changed."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"When I ask questions, I expect answers!"

"Will you listen to the same three anecdotes until one of you dies?"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

Hardware Store Tools Wrench

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

"How do I love thee….? Let me count the ways…" "I'm going to want a recount."

'You don't have to worry about my future any more -- I just downloaded an entire college education!'

"I don’t know how many ways I can explain it. One morning you’ll just wake up and know that you’re in love."

"You won’t find a more effective antidepressant."

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

'...till death, or a really huge argument over ringtones, do you part.'

Catch and release dating.

"Ultimately, we realized we share too many app subscriptions not to make it work."

'Ignore them, Charlie. They're nothing but philistines. I liked your poetry, truly I did!'

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"It will be all your fault."

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

"Now look, Frank, Molly, there's nothing wrong with a Polar Bear and a Penguin being in a relationship. In fact, in my experience, Polar opposites attract!"