Emotional Counselor Gifts

"I got into a fight with Emily over what colour to make our friendship bracelets."

'Progress of a bookshelf'

"I had all the right answers, but I had them in the wrong order."

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

Relationship Warning Lights

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"You've changed."

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"Will you listen to the same three anecdotes until one of you dies?"

"When I ask questions, I expect answers!"

Hardware Store Tools Wrench

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

"How do I love thee….? Let me count the ways…" "I'm going to want a recount."

'You don't have to worry about my future any more -- I just downloaded an entire college education!'

"I don’t know how many ways I can explain it. One morning you’ll just wake up and know that you’re in love."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"You won’t find a more effective antidepressant."

What Guys Say and What They Mean,

'...till death, or a really huge argument over ringtones, do you part.'

"Ultimately, we realized we share too many app subscriptions not to make it work."

'Have you two taken the COSMO 'compatibility test'?'

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

Catch and release dating.

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"It will be all your fault."

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

'Ignore them, Charlie. They're nothing but philistines. I liked your poetry, truly I did!'