Embalmer Gifts

My Child is an Honor Roll Student At the Alax School of Embalming.

'Why, no, I don't have any nail clippers on me. Just do like I do, and use your teeth.'

'Oh no, the men are talking shop again.'

"Wrong line, buddy."

Customer Service

A stuff of taxidermists

"It wasn't that he was a mortician, it was that he liked to bring his work home with him."

"He looks so natural."

'Don't look at me. I'm not the one who puts the measuring cups where I can't reach them.'

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

'I blame global warming!'

Ultra-lazy sloth

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

"As the years go by, and my hair recedes, I comb my parting with such sweet sorrow."

After many years of wavering Dennis finally makes the decision to step out of his comfort zone.

"This tiny bald spot where your hairline used to be is so-o-o cute!"

Businessman at the deep end.

"But Herman, we can't just throw in the towel like that."

'Hey, Birdbrain, does the word ozone mean anything to you?'

Anxiety of Change

"What an awful morning. I left home without my phone."

Starting is the scariest part.

'Going bald isn't all bad - just think, you'll never have dandruff again!'

'Of course things change: our fathers were replaced by machines - we'll be replaced with new software.'

"If you think he's doing a bad job with this, you should see him trying to wrap a birthday present!!"

"Keep it long at the back and big and bushy on top please."

"Teacher believes in performance-enhancing hugs."

"YOLO, baby. YOLO."

Fear and Uncertainty

New Normal

"If you aren't adverse to risk, I can put you in an attractive Ponzi scheme."

Salman Rushdie

"Over here, Phyllis. I've moved to the center."

'Congratulations, your days of avoiding the real world are finally over.'

'I've been having one long, continuous bad hair day for the past 25 years.'