Embalmers Gifts

Egyptian mummy purchasing lip embalm.

'Don't look at me. I'm not the one who puts the measuring cups where I can't reach them.'

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

'I blame global warming!'

Ultra-lazy sloth

"As the years go by, and my hair recedes, I comb my parting with such sweet sorrow."

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

After many years of wavering Dennis finally makes the decision to step out of his comfort zone.

"I live for the moment. That moment just happens to be in the indefinite future."

"This tiny bald spot where your hairline used to be is so-o-o cute!"

'Hey, Birdbrain, does the word ozone mean anything to you?'

"But Herman, we can't just throw in the towel like that."

Anxiety of Change

"What an awful morning. I left home without my phone."

Wearing Gloves on Public Transport

"And then he said he wanted $50,000 for it."

'Going bald isn't all bad - just think, you'll never have dandruff again!'

'Of course things change: our fathers were replaced by machines - we'll be replaced with new software.'

"Are you tempting fate with poor diet and little exercise?" "Tempting it"? I'm surprised we haven't been charged with entrapment.

"If you think he's doing a bad job with this, you should see him trying to wrap a birthday present!!"

"Teacher believes in performance-enhancing hugs."

"Keep it long at the back and big and bushy on top please."

New Normal

'Well, a quick yank didn't work, either. Let's get you some lower tack bandages.'

"Over here, Phyllis. I've moved to the center."

"She looks sooo good."

"This one is called 'Hell Toupee'

Salman Rushdie

"Oh, come on. If it had happened to me you'd've laughed too."

'Congratulations, your days of avoiding the real world are finally over.'

'I've been having one long, continuous bad hair day for the past 25 years.'

The elbow pump has replaced the handshake. In another context, that sentence you said could describe an odd sequence of medical conditions.

"It wasn't that he was a mortician, it was that he liked to bring his work home with him."

"He looks so natural."

"You look amazing for someone who's just woken up!"