Embalmers Gifts

Egyptian mummy purchasing lip embalm.

'Don't look at me. I'm not the one who puts the measuring cups where I can't reach them.'

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

'I blame global warming!'

Ultra-lazy sloth

"As the years go by, and my hair recedes, I comb my parting with such sweet sorrow."

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

After many years of wavering Dennis finally makes the decision to step out of his comfort zone.

"This tiny bald spot where your hairline used to be is so-o-o cute!"

'Hey, Birdbrain, does the word ozone mean anything to you?'

Anxiety of Change

"But Herman, we can't just throw in the towel like that."

Wearing Gloves on Public Transport

"What an awful morning. I left home without my phone."

'Going bald isn't all bad - just think, you'll never have dandruff again!'

"And then he said he wanted $50,000 for it."

'Of course things change: our fathers were replaced by machines - we'll be replaced with new software.'

"Teacher believes in performance-enhancing hugs."

"Keep it long at the back and big and bushy on top please."

"If you think he's doing a bad job with this, you should see him trying to wrap a birthday present!!"

New Normal

'Well, a quick yank didn't work, either. Let's get you some lower tack bandages.'

"Over here, Phyllis. I've moved to the center."

"Oh, come on. If it had happened to me you'd've laughed too."

Salman Rushdie

'Congratulations, your days of avoiding the real world are finally over.'

'I've been having one long, continuous bad hair day for the past 25 years.'

'The truly enlightened don't NEED comb-overs!'

"He looks so natural."

"It wasn't that he was a mortician, it was that he liked to bring his work home with him."

"You look amazing for someone who's just woken up!"