Real World Embracers Gifts

'Congratulations, your days of avoiding the real world are finally over.'

"Great! I must be growing. The womb was less than half full last week."

'Don't look at me. I'm not the one who puts the measuring cups where I can't reach them.'

The most fabulous Gran in the world.

Ultra-lazy sloth

"I enjoy the one day of the school year...that I didn't forget to do my homework."

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

After many years of wavering Dennis finally makes the decision to step out of his comfort zone.

"I live for the moment. That moment just happens to be in the indefinite future."

Some of us are calm on the surface but paddling like crazy underneath, and some of us are just the opposite.

'He's doing it again.'

"My new year resolutions were to continue eating, drinking, smoking and gambling...and I've stuck to all of them!"

Anxiety of Change

"But Herman, we can't just throw in the towel like that."

"I hope I'm single for Valentine's because only I fully know my worth in chocolate."

Fortune teller predicts a bigger family for worried parents.

Grandpa cheats death, puts in a pool.

'Of course things change: our fathers were replaced by machines - we'll be replaced with new software.'

Man rummaging through a TV set throwing out bits of paper

"Teacher believes in performance-enhancing hugs."

"Are you tempting fate with poor diet and little exercise?" "Tempting it"? I'm surprised we haven't been charged with entrapment.

New Normal

"I see a couple of chairs over there by the naked guy working on his laptop."

'Hurray! I'm a baby!'

Coronavirus 100k Deaths

"Over here, Phyllis. I've moved to the center."

"Do we look like we filed electronically?"

Let It All Hang Out In Celebration. . .

Salman Rushdie

"She's been seeing a very good grief counselor."

'I'm putting you on a forced exercise program of walking. Hand over your driver's license!'

Organised Crime / Disorganised Crime

Are you ever worried people will see all the stuff you put online? Not at all … because I don't put anything online. I'm not on Facebook, I'm not on Twitter, and I conduct all my business in person so they can be charmed by the twinkle in my mustache. You are looking at a man who's totally off the grid, little buddy. It's like talking to a Neanderthal. I also shave with a razor-sharp sliver of granite my grandfather bequeathed unto me.

"I live life on the ragged edge. Why, just this morning I left my iPhone at home. On purpose."

"Does my bump look big in this"