Elitist Humor Fan Gifts

"Goodness gracious no, I didn't go to a public puppy-school: I went to an elite private puppy-school..."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

"Yes, one is a dog."

Trappist Monk Discord

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

Trump Poutine

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

"I can never remember - do these go in garbage or compost?"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

'What does it say, Dad?'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

Winter Weather.

US Credit: 'I'm down grading your credit rating...'

HELLth Food Sprouts

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."

'More government surveillance!'

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

'And we'll give you all the carcinogens you can eat.'

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

The Thinker?

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

'Would you do me the honour of becoming tax advantaged with me?'

"Actually, you do have a racist bone in your body."

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

"There may be a moral equivalent of war, but, by God, there is not moral equivalent of money."

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"