Electric Shock Avoider Pillows

Safety Tips from the American Council to Avoid Static Shocks

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

'My science project is an experiment in static electricity.'

' I hit two good balls today - when I stepped on that rake.'

Excess Baggage: You send emails from exotic places just to make your friends jealous.

"Ever since the elevator broke down, we've learned that our staff is in desperate need of a fitness program. Especially, since we're only one floor up."

"I can skip my bath. On the way home I jumped in all the puddles."

Mr. Macho at the game... and after the game is over.

'Where'd he go, nurse?'

"I do diet...between snacks."

Sailor notices a sea mine in his foot bath.

'As a bachelor I have to wash my own clothes, clean my own room. The do it all again three months later.'

Wow, look what you've stepped in: Boy I'm glad I'm not the one having to lick it off...

'Only one side effect - colossal pain...'

"They hired a cat to distract them from thoughts of change."

"My neighborhood is getting too noisy. Traffic, screaming kids, barking dogs … I'm used to living in quiet desperation."

Beach Burger - without sand 75 cents extra.

'What part of school don't you understand?', 'The part between the bells ringing.'

"Apparently, my self-driving car doesn't like driving in the snow, because it took it upon itself to drive 1,200 miles to somewhere warm while I wasn't paying attention."

Oil man gets oil for his car directly from oil well.

There's leftover apple crisp! Whoever finishes it up, please clean the baking dish. Hey! It's not finished!!

'It doesn't matter, Mr. Katz — you're overweight standard or metric.'

"But this is the way we've always done it."

'Careful, it might be a trap...'

Escaped Fish

Indoor sauna.

"My venom is too slow-acting for my liking: I use a taser instead..."

"I'm starting a fitness program. Since we work on the 90th floor, I'm nor requiring all employees o use the stairs."

Caution! Peak power electric bill shock possible.

'You just had to throw the manual out didn't you? Big man can figure everything out for himself...'

"Your dad doesn't want to see or hear any comments on his social media page. Please explain to him how to turn them off."

Damsel with Ear-Plugs

"...And as for your terrible elevator music...."

"I hate needles!"