Bell Avoider Pillows

'What part of school don't you understand?', 'The part between the bells ringing.'

'You forgot to pay the gravity bill, didn't you?'

'Okay. Time to get up. 1... 2... 3... Go!' - 'Actually, maybe I'll just rest my eyes for a few seconds.' - 'Zzzzz...'

'I beat the 5 o'clock rush... I leave work at noon!'

"Ever since the elevator broke down, we've learned that our staff is in desperate need of a fitness program. Especially, since we're only one floor up."

"You couldn't just stop and ask directions, could you?"

'I could text you...I can fax you...I can email you...I could ring you...Lunch?...I can't make it.'

"I do diet...between snacks."

L.A.: Still No Pro Football

Even though I'm on the do-not-call-list telemarketers manage to ruin my hibernation again.

"My neighborhood is getting too noisy. Traffic, screaming kids, barking dogs … I'm used to living in quiet desperation."

'Open wide.' 'Your wallet.'

Oil man gets oil for his car directly from oil well.

A caveman sleeps with a club labelled 'Snooze' whilst a beaten looking rooster stands by.

"Wow. That guy on psychic chat line is really good. He told me our next phone bill would be bigger than usual!"

"Don't tell the boss, but I'm leaving early to beat the traffic."

Is there any history of not paying medical bills in your family? M.D.

"It's a great invention, but what if it leads to UTILITY BILLS?"

"My doctor told me to avoid any unecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill."

Worm running away from hook.

'It doesn't matter, Mr. Katz — you're overweight standard or metric.'

"Honestly, Kate—can you picture us in a shopping mall?"

'Never fails,,, The second we sit down for dinner,'

'I hope you don't want to leave a message - he hates messages.'

How to Tell when You're Asking for Directions from a NASCAR Fan: 'Make a left, then hang a left, take another left followed by a left...'

"Someplace with no dogs."

It's new from British Telecom, a telephone ignoring machine.

'Careful, it might be a trap...'

"I only wish this was the final notice."

Introducing the 1040 - F.I.* Form (*The tax return for the financially incompetent.)

"It says it's sick and tired of telling me to update my software and if I don't do it right now it's going to explode."

'At the sound of the tone, please leave a message.. unless you're trying to sell me something.'

"I'm starting a fitness program. Since we work on the 90th floor, I'm nor requiring all employees o use the stairs."

The early bird goes back to sleep.

"No, I'm not interested in a free ski weekend. Please take me off your call list."