Elderly Aunt Gifts

"A gentleman would offer his seat."

'I think we'll have to call the fire brigade again.'

Old lady copying rebellious youths

"Hang on - I'm not as young as I used to be. . .!"

"Never too old to rock and roll."

How Nature Senses a Change in the Weather

"I really love grandma and all, but she stinks of vape."

Four bites a second is about as fast as anyone can chew.

'Accelerate! Coffin Dodgers Crossing.'

'There's old Jim off to the shops. Slowed down a lot these days, ain't he.'

'You're so nice and friendly that I've got nothing to moan about. That's a bit of cheek!'

Doris was determined to save money on cat parlour fees!

"He did it! That short one with the red waistcoat"

'My 70th...hmmm.. that's shelter, food and sex out of the way. I guess it's time to move on to life's next challenge; mastery over my environment.'

"You don't want to mess about with that denture fixative rubbish Ethel. You want to get yourself some gasket seal from the motor spares shop."

"What's your earliest memory, Sadie?" "You can not get under my skin, loser." "Maybe I can help you figure it out: were people wearing powdered wigs, or were they wearing togas?" "Did they live in primitive huts, or in trees?" "I'm not listening!" "Were they standing upright, or swimming in a primordial sea?" "You're about to be swimming in primordial soup."

"Oh, Lucy, I never say anything like this in my whole life..."

Why do we always pick the slow line?

Time moves so fast when you're older. No, it moves more slowly. No, it moves fast. You remember things that happened ten years ago as if they happened yesterday. No, it moves slowly. Every day is a tedious, endless moebius strip of boredom, punctuated only by the occasional argument. You win. This talk feels like it's going on forever. I feel like I've been winning for a million years.

AARP lines

"It's amazing, Darlin', just how fast the kids grow up!"

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"Bond James, Bond."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

Prize vegetables.

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

Blue Stockings - Woman revealing herself as author

"Did I hear the dog in here?"