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Gerontologist on the phone - 'Oh, you know ... same old, same old ... and how are things with you?'

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

"Mom said Dad pulled a groin surfing Mendocino. When will he realize he's not 60 anymore?"

'Not only didn't he turn into a prince, but he gave me these awful warts!'

Old Joe was determined to reach the summit as he'd left his false teeth up there last week!

Old woman with trolley full of medication.

"O.K., one last big rhubarb score. But then I'm out of the pie game for good."

'Mr. Franklin. What did I tell you about wheelies in the hallway?'

'Are you our new glue-ru?'

"Meanwhile, in the Memory Care Unit... I said, your secret’s safe with me."

"I crawl that I may savor the richness and diversity of people and places along the way."

"It's structured as a set of two parallel stories that no one would ever want to read."

Professor in time machine at the end of a battle "Damn watch!"

'But, Marshal, if I'da built the gallows any higher, ol' Mad Dog here mighta got seriously hurt!'

'Mr. Scrooge, I think we should talk a bit more about this dream you had...'

'You are always living in the past!'

'Try and stay alive until the government have finished their consultation process.'

At the Old Bikers' Home

'He's my father and I say we dump him pricate...!'

'When I was your age we had to carry our water from the spring in a bucket...and then we'd get it out with a dipper!'

Jesus turns water into Vitamin Water.

Makes me feel young again!

'George is on some weird pill...'

"Fancy a bit of the other what, Reg?"

"The only reason he can remember what he had for lunch yesterday, is because it's still in his lap."

'If you stop writing all this rubbish that I bribed my way to the top I'll make it worth your while.'

"When I was a little girl, we had a real monster living in the woods by our house."

"Before we get started, would you like an edible?"

"Hey, listen to this. A man was recently arrested at the mall after cops found a small package in his underwear."

"I think I've acquired some wisdom over the years, but there doesn't seem to be much demand for it."

Expensive nursing home

'Harriet, your mother's gone skiing again!'

Alice Through the Looking Glass - The Walrus and Carpenter.

Updated Classic: Grim Fairy Tales