Eccentric Roommate Appreciator Pillows

'Please tell me you aren't my roommate.'

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

Biofelineism

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Honey, I don't want to hide anything from you. I collect pictures of cats in my spare time."

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

A hammer in his den enjoying a cigar and port with his collection of trophy thumbs above his head.

"Now that's what I'M talkin' 'bout!"

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

'Are we broke yet?'

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

'Who gets the decaf?'

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

"Dammit Harold, you know I hate that mask!"

It's not considered drinking alone if the cat is at home.

I hate monday mornings.

"Who ordered a pizza?"

"Oh, no - not another farmer's market!"

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work, I overslept.'

'I can't move in, Ted - your lifestyle is too modern. And your furniture is way too modern.'

"Next time don't use a herbed vinegar."