Quirky Roommate Pillows

'I always assumed you were a cat person!'

"This is where you'll be sleeping."

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

The Audacity of Fake Environmental Hope

Speed Dating for Turtles

Biofelineism

'Every piece of equipment is hooked up to battery cells in the basement, and we actually sell electricity back to the power company!'

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

Armstrong? Why did UPS just deliver a microscope, a robotic arm, a huge incubator, a nucleus extractor and a dozen lab rats? Well, it's certainly not so I can replace you with an army of clones programmed to work for free. Well

"Honey, I don't want to hide anything from you. I collect pictures of cats in my spare time."

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

'All I want for Valentine's Day is a Greek fisherman's cap.'

'This test doesn't understand me.'

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

"Excuse me ma'am, may I help you cross the road so that I can get the answer to this dumb joke my friend keeps telling?"

'I like scientists: They are genuinely interested in every mundane thing we do and keep detailed records...'

Your spirit animal is a balloon poodle? My spirit animal is a balloon poodle!

'Who gets the decaf?'

'Are we broke yet?'

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

"Who ordered a pizza?"

"Much ado list"

I hate monday mornings.