Patriotic Roommate Pillows

The making of the 16th president of the United States

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

The Audacity of Fake Environmental Hope

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

Speed Dating for Turtles

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

'Every piece of equipment is hooked up to battery cells in the basement, and we actually sell electricity back to the power company!'

Biofelineism

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"Honey, I don't want to hide anything from you. I collect pictures of cats in my spare time."

"I guess I was a good shot, because I took down 50 Nazis...all by myself. That's how I got my silver star. Honestly, I don't consider myself a hero. I consider myself lucky."

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

The Uber Ride of Paul Revere

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

Monuments

'Are we broke yet?'

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

'Who gets the decaf?'

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

"Oh, come on! Nobody brought a pen?"

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work, I overslept.'

"Have you been using 'Vanish' again?"

"Oh, no - not another farmer's market!"

"Much ado list"

It's not considered drinking alone if the cat is at home.