Eccentric Roommate Appreciator Mugs

'Please tell me you aren't my roommate.'

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

The Audacity of Fake Environmental Hope

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

Speed Dating for Turtles

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

Biofelineism

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

'Every piece of equipment is hooked up to battery cells in the basement, and we actually sell electricity back to the power company!'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"Honey, I don't want to hide anything from you. I collect pictures of cats in my spare time."

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

A hammer in his den enjoying a cigar and port with his collection of trophy thumbs above his head.

'Who gets the decaf?'

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

"Now that's what I'M talkin' 'bout!"

'Are we broke yet?'

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

"Next time don't use a herbed vinegar."

"Who ordered a pizza?"

"Have you been using 'Vanish' again?"

"Oh, no - not another farmer's market!"

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work, I overslept.'

It's not considered drinking alone if the cat is at home.

'I can't move in, Ted - your lifestyle is too modern. And your furniture is way too modern.'

"Much ado list"