Earthy Humorist Gifts

A man emerges from a tree stump

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

The opera - 'Please, sir, give us your ticket, if you ain;t a-goin' in again.'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Of course the Johnsons got the big cloud.'

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

Daffodil bulbs

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

Gustav Holst

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

I'll admit I haven't been waiting all my life to meet you, but I have waited through a rough pencil sketch, the inking process and Photoshop lettering. Surely that's worth something! !?!

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"I've been working on this project non-stop, twenty four-six!"

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

'Vacuums!'

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

Medusa's baby picture

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

"Have we looked as though we know what it is, for long enough yet?"