Earthy Humorist Gifts

A man emerges from a tree stump

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

The opera - 'Please, sir, give us your ticket, if you ain;t a-goin' in again.'

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Of course the Johnsons got the big cloud.'

Daffodil bulbs

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

Gustav Holst

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"I've been working on this project non-stop, twenty four-six!"

'Vacuums!'

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

"Have we looked as though we know what it is, for long enough yet?"

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

Surreal Ale Pub.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'