Ducky Humorist Gifts

'No thanks; can't handle caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, or number six birdshot.'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

"Parts of a dog" "Hears food drop" "Smells food" "Chews food" "Swallows food" "Digests food" "Moves toward food" "Signals for food" "Makes room for more food"

"He's no hat and all corgis."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell Thursday's gluten-free lasagna!"

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'I'd like to return this, please.'

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'I don't think the employees like me.'

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

'Thanks, we really appreciate this. Yeah, the middle button. Don't worry, it's auto-focus - just aim and shoot.'

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"I knew we should have gotten the shorter tree."

"Now turn your head and bark."

"Pssst. Fake poop."

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

German School

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

Guide fish.

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"What are you doing?"

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

Man with dollar sign on his t-shirt.

The Evolution Of Man