Dry Humor Fans Pillows

"OK, since you have a medical card the cat nip is legal, but I'm going to be watching you."

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

"This hotel room must be dry. There's a cactus growing out of my suitcase."

"I've got a bad feeling about this."

Pastries and Candy

"Consider yourself lucky that you only got a little shaken up in that dryer--socks get lost in that thing and aren't ever seen again.'

End the Winter Blues

"I can never remember - do these go in garbage or compost?"

"The boss likes people with strong convictions. You're hired."

"I'm the bad guy..."

The practical psychopath

Optimist

"I used to be your old school teacher, I always said you would amount to nothing."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

'Don't worry about your job at the office, Sweetie. They declared bankrupty today.'

"If you can’t beat ’em, roll around in their decaying carcass."

'We found you in a cabbage!'

In utero...boy, THOSE were the days!

Beckett for Beginners: "Waiting for Thumbkin"

A Punch and Judy Professor is visited by Death as a puppet.

'What's the matter... you're not grim here?'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

'Et tu Yakamoto?'

Tequila Mockingbird

"Of course, if they ever start to suspect all their TVs are watching them back, we may have problems."

"If you're really interested, talk to someone at corporate. They own my soul."

'NO, it DOESN'T come on DISC!'

"Its been on the market for over two years. The estate agent reckons it's something to do with negative edibility!"

'Absent friends!'