Dry Humor Admirer Pillows

This beer has given me the courage to invite you back to my place. This wine has given me the courage to invite you to drop dead.

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

Ancient Racing

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

'Originally he was the mascot until we discovered he had a golden foot.'

"Hey, remember a few days ago, when all this was unacceptable?"

He looks so natural lying there...

Piano and Pianist with broken legs.

Cow's straw

Captain Corcoran, Commander of H.M.S. Pinafore

"This hotel room must be dry. There's a cactus growing out of my suitcase."

"Wait—what did I come into this room to do?"

On the brink.

Dolphin friendly tuna

'The massive arrests have made the plans for downsizing much easier.'

I crawled out of a toilet and ate a guy. Say my name 3 times in a mirror. I dare you. No one suspects I'm Slenderman. She took me home. Then she woke up in a tub of ice missing a kidney. Urban Legends-in-Their-Own-Minds.

I don't think I'm letting sunlight in when I open the curtains. I think the darkness is going out.

"This makes Pamplona seem like child's play."

Gym Dog

"My path to success and fortune was that rather than foraging and storing my own food, I built a portfolio of storage properties to rent..."

Grinning dog points at missing cat poster with glee

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

Always an awkward moment when you meet a Dung Beetle...

"Frankly, I never would've figured you for an S.U.V. person."

"My problem is a recessive gene for honesty and a dominant gene for robbery."

Cheating Death.

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

Was the Illuminati - now the Illuminasty

"What do you mean you're tired of AB negative?"

"Life is too short! Why should I waste my time frantically searching for a mate when I can create art instead..."

'He hasn't been the same since the Goodyear blimp sneaked up behind him.'

Pea

'You don't need a colonoscopy, but I'm sending you for one because, quite frankly, I don't like you.'

'I've got it made in the shade. What worries me is sunshine.'