Driving Skeptic Gifts

"OK, that's enough for today. I think he's learned his lesson."

"You keep an eye on our horse. I'm checking to see if the bookie runs off with our money."

'This is Onstar, how may I help you?'

"I think globally, but I tend to pollute locally."

'I hate running in the outside lane.'

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

"If you want to buy this, I'm afraid I'm going to need to see some justification."

'Don't let any SUV's pass us.'

Warning: this is a safe area.

Rules and procedure

"I'm binge ignoring everything you're binge watching."

'That tut, tut sound when you park..? It's your husband.'

They all have to get down the slide in 2.7 seconds or we lose our funding. In schools soon: The recess aptitude test.

A person is reading another person's thoughts.

'Lincoln Standardized Test Center - formerly Lincoln High School'

No child onboard. Don't drive carefully.

"Never mind honey, I found the garage door opener."

Caution - Sign partly concealed by bush

If the N.R.A. ran the D.O.T.

"Our safety manual is nothing but a big joke."

'It scored first in everything except the rollover tests...'

Acme Discount Life Vests

"Of course it's not safe. That's why I'm here."

'It's completely gutless. With all the money you save on speeding tickets it'll practically pay for itself.'

'How about a bike ride?' 'Nah, the seat hurts my butt, and I'd have to put air in the tires, and I'd have to put shorts on so my pant leg doesn't get caught and...' 'And you'd have to get up.' 'And I'd have to get up.'

"I don't think we've time for a risk-reward analysis."

'Oh, come on, they wouldn't sell it if it wasn't safe.'

'Hi, honey, it's me. The good news is the car rental place has a vehicle we can use until our car is fixed. The bad news is. . . ah, um. . .'

'Henry's afraid of Sunday drivers.'

Maybe I should get a convertible.

"You are either here or here."

Speed Bump

Motorists see sign: You are now approaching the world's first automated highway(Last chance for a fit of road rage for 150 miles).

"Where are the fire exits?"

"Yeah, yeah, I see him out there flailing around. But, that's the damn ocean bro..."