Double-lifer Gifts

I'm only a part-time waiter, I'm really an actor.

'What do you do with the time you save?'

Carbon Dating.

'I like you, you remind me of someone.'

'You both know the rules -- walk 1 paces, turn, and tee off on each other.'

"At this rate I'll be delivering all gift certificates, gift cards and I.O.U.s!"

Records?

Bassoon practice.

Musclesnakes just swallow the dumbbells.

'Special offer today -TWO for one, sir!'

"How much is the sign?"

'I‘ll be relieved when they invent the aeroplane, these long trips are playing havoc with my wings'.

Home seller has given up after reducing price many times.

'You're in your nineties and still fancy women?' - 'Early nineties.'

'Well, it makes me happy!'

"Why are you smiling?"

The 29p Shop

"This job's really helping me buy my car...even if it's one piece at a time."

Support your local bookstore

"But I'm hot on the trail of my Google doppelgänger."

Pound sign being cut in half.

Apples - Buy 3, Get 3 - Duh.

"They're not identical twins—they're surgical twins."

"I like to think he looks like me, not vice versa."

'I see you've created an online altar ego.'

'If I go on a double date, does that mean I'll get to second base?'

"In my spare time I'm a doctor."

This Week's Special Offer - Take It Or Leave It

Marriage Counselor - Another Success.

'It's so frustrating -- all our coupons are expiring!'

Ask Doctor Ernie. Dear Doctor Ernie, what's the definition of "buyer's remorse?" You regret what you pay for.

Eventually, many dogs and dog owners begin to look alike

'I've just bought a freezer.'

Fire Sale.

When men go shopping.