Domestic Life Comedian Pillows

"I'm getting awfully tired of raking up you underwear..."

'I'm camping out here tonight. It's the only way I can guarantee getting into the bathroom in the morning!'

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

"But I use all of them!"

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"They're clean Mum, I washed them yesterday."

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"Honey! He's breached the recliner! I repeat, the puppy has breached my La-Z-Boy!!"

"I must come to the supermarket with you sometime dear, they seem to sell everything!"

"You're good mum. But, Billy's mum is a better cook than you. She only knows how to make chocolate cake."

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

'How many times do I have to tell you about putting the toilet seat back up?'

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'