Domestic Gladiator Pillows

Duel in the sun room.

"If he'd done that to me, I'd have got up and given him a good thump!"

Prize vegetables.

Rage.

I only root so hard for my time because I hate your team so much.

"I feel your pain."

Neighbor Leaf Wars

"Good news...I found a doctor who says you can still play!"

'He works out aggression by bayoneting the leaves.'

"Impressive, yes, but what exactly is a black belt in cookery?"

"Everything's gone up."

I'm Spartacus.

American Football.

"I know I should have gotten a cart, but I can't give up now."

Biker Lawn Mower

'So...worked in 'IT' long?'

"I warned you before you bought it, John, that the plant is aggressive!"

'I've decided to skip my senior year and go directly into an endless cycle of unrealistic expectations and failure.'

Punishment for the kicker.

Believe it or not, I'm sitting her watching the fights. Harry versus the crabgrass, the moles, the insects...

"Bye now... it's always nice to see you and little Tommy!"

Football.

'We're going to look pretty stupid if it's not a Michelin star.'

"It was your father's idea - He can't bear to miss a second of the game."

"All right, we straighten this out immediately! René threw the bouillabaisse at Jacques, no? The Jam-bon en croûte was thrown by Jacques at René, correct? The truite en gelée and the fraises des bois were thrown by François at Henri, and Henri threw the mousse au chocolat at François, and . . ."

'Get out there, Holmes, and pile on!'

Man mowing lawn that grows quicker then he can cut it!

"Well, dad. . . when I was a kid I got in trouble for trampling on the lawn or for beating up others. . . today, I get a lot of money for it!"

Human males marking territory.

'Quit whining, Sid, and walk it off! I'm not falling for that pulled muscle thing again!'

"Just a routine ID check, Mr. Spartacus - there are lots of people with the same name, you know."

"Prepare to meet thy blower."

Onion Guillotine

A football player accidentally kicks off the head of another football player.

'He intentionally entangles his face mask in my hand!'