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'When he finally exhausts his vocabularly that's when I call the plumber.'

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

"The 'Queer Eye' people came by - but they fled."

'What's our stockbroker doing in the shower? Quick! Run and get me a rolled up copy of the Wall Street Journal!'

"Not cool washing sheep in the dishwasher people!"

"It's funny how that works. It doesn't matter where I am in the house... I can always tell when the novel isn't going well."

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

"It's perfectly all right. I used to do the same sort of thing when I was a little boy."

"It's all right dear, it only seems what it is."

"I'm running a loose ship."

How men shop for towels.

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. II

"Did he sleep through the night again?"

'Please excuse the mess guys.My husband's doing a correspondence course in Embalming.'

Good disciplinarian gaining respect vs. scary nutcase.

'You must excuse us. Things are a bit upside-down at the moment.'

These colours haven't just run. They've sprinted!

'... and the kids are screaming and the house is a disaster, and my husband finally get gets home and says 'how was your day?'... so I bit his head off.'

I'm attacking this family's clutter! You need me? Yes! Help me decide which pile to start with. Tough call.

House with Children - There's my toothbrush!

“Putty took a wife. Her name was Possums, and she bore him Little Gentleman, Biddy Boo, Savor Tooth, Fluffy, Harry Cat, and Cesar. Then Little Gentleman begat Little Gentleman II and Friday and Tinkle Toes and Possum Tail and…”

"Found it! The cat was using it as a pillow."

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. III

'This is our home's communications center.'

Missing sock announcement on a milk carton.

A "balanced diet" means balancing what's left to cook with what's clean enough to cook it in.

'Don't worry, your father won't notice.'

"Don't you think we'll be memorable parents?"

'Daddy, the toaster has stopped working again.'

'I love what you haven't done with this place.'

'Can you call back? He's busy right now.'

Man attempting to paint a room by exploding paint onto the walls - "Could I see your qualifications again Mr Baker."

'He has weapons of mass destruction.'

Kids make a home messy and loud

"Gone insane. Your dinner's in a wheelbarrow on the M25."