Domestic Change Gifts

"We broke our promise to not talk politics around the house, so we sold the house."

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

Hungry child

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

"Man's best friends."

"Why don't you come get me? Oh that's right, you aren't allowed on the couch!"

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Just a brief moment, Linda, to thank you for my delicious meals. And if you need me by your side... just whistle." "What fresh hell is this?"

"Do you recall the exact moment the balance of power shifted?"

"Want me to talk to the squirrel's mother, or would you prefer to handle it on your own?"

Ironing day.

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'Rabbits make great pets, but it's best to have them one at a time.'

"I don't do windows."

"My dang neck is killin' me again." "That's because you left your dang hanger in your coat. Again."

"Don't you want to hear about the day I had?"

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

"Do we go out or do we stay home and open a can of worms?"

Always Compatible

“Can I have her now? Hey! My turn.”

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

'Actually, she's turned out to be a very clever pet. Watch when Rex stands up, she'll feed him a biscuit.'

'Honey, I'm home - for good.'

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

"Do I have to go out again!?"

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

"You think you hate me now, but just wait until I'm old and a burden to you."

'I thought he was joking. I didn't think my husband would really turn me in to the FDA!'