Dogma Dodger Pillows

"Don't flutter your little wings on company time."

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"Do you ever have days when you can't seem to rise above petty politics?"

"I understand the allure of religion. It offers hope in a world that's often cruel and unfair. But religion's promises have been consistently proven false. Science, on the other hand, has actually delivered the things that improve human life...."

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

"How was first grade? I don't know yet. I spent all day in the Principal's office."

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

"Do I get to lawyer up before I see the Principal?"

"You go on ahead. I'm going to hang out here for the next few months until everyone stops saying the word 'caucus.'"

Thank You For Not Giving Me Your Views About Brexit

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

Religion, This End Up

"The answer is NO!"

"Prayer does work! I wasn't picked for any of the church committees."

Trying to come up with yet another password...

"Just once, can we not talk about politics."

"I don't get it. I hired him to workout for me every day, and I still haven't lost any weight."

'Sorry, I can't talk now, Mr. Harris, I'm texting right now! I'll take whatever punishment you want to give me.'

Pinocchio's autopsy - "Right about here he started cutting gym class."

"Get ready to duck...we're caught in a departmental crossfire."

"Up to now, I feel my childhood experience has been a very positive one! Why spoil it with some silly rules?"

'That's why your checkbook balance looks so good. You sent all of your online bills to the junk file.'

How caffeine interacts with human brain cells.

"If you don't wish to hear the match result look away now."

'Is there any way I can keep on all this weight and still enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame?'

"We also offer a plan where you just post pictures and skip the exercise."

'I don't need to go to a gym. One of my classroom management strategies is to circulate frequently around the room. I figure I walk three miles a day.'

'Darling, I've just deleted the computer,'

As the summer drew to a close, Mrs. Bank's back-to-school nightmares progressed from a class of her worst students, to a class of their parents.

"Must be question time again."

"Dora's anxiety has always manifested itself in the 'flight response.'"

"This is my exercise routine, and this is my routine to avoid that exercise routine."

'Hey, we have one of those. You hang your laundry on it.'