Dog Poop Dodger Pillows

'Notice how the brown of the pants nicely picks up the brown of the dogshit on your shoes.'

"There's smart phones and smart cars, so why can't there be smart rooms that clean themselves?"

Big Hank's shooting gallery.

'Why is it always me that has to put the cat out?'

'sugar and spice my eye.'

'Do you have any golf balls that are not attracted to water, sand or trees?'

"I don't feel like going to school. Isn't that a flu-like symptom?"

"What kind of 'best friend' expects you to pick up their sh*t?"

A genie helps a man fold laundry.

"And everything from my dig is brought here where it's identified, classified, interpreted, and the eaten."

'For a minute there I didn't think we were gonna make it tonight!'

Hunter hits duck with ejected shell.

Also I don't like coffee, so I'll be working through my coffee breaks.

'How can he remember 37 passwords but always forget to pick his clothes up off the floor?'

Never Ask A Man To Change The Baby.

"Sorry Mrs. Tate. There's no cure for Not-Taking-Out-The-Garbage-Itis."

"Whenever you're ready."

'Now I know why they call you Cinderella... You're always running away from the ball.'

"Accursed global warming!"

"Dora's anxiety has always manifested itself in the 'flight response.'"

"If this meeting becomes too heated, we'll create a distraction...like running out the door."

"Severe lactose intolerance - he can't even look at a cow."

Bowling.

THERE IS A MOUSE IN THE HOUSE... WHERE IS THE CAT?

'We're out of cereal!'

"I see Rover has introduced himself to you?"

Patches never suspected his best friend had betrayed him.

Dog Poop in the Snow

'For the last time, Ken, I did not back over anything! You're imagining things! ... Now get out of the cart, wade into that pond and retrieve your ball!'

"If my wife calls, I'm at the protest."

'There's nothing wrong with my arm - I wear it to get out of washing the dishes!'

Extremely Lactose Intolerant