Dog-owning Gourmet Gifts

"Generally I recommend chuck, but since your collie has a pedigree...sirloin."

"Parts of a dog" "Hears food drop" "Smells food" "Chews food" "Swallows food" "Digests food" "Moves toward food" "Signals for food" "Makes room for more food"

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

"Alright, alright! I'll stop buying the cheap stuff, OK?"

"If man is my best friend, why is he giving me this crap to eat?"

"Thousands of craft beers and I still haven't found one with a smooth, kibble finish."

'I'd like the tongue, please.'

Dog orders the food 9 out of 10 dogs prefer.

"She doesn't eat raw zebra... Where can we get Alaska wild salmon in cream truffle sauce in the middle of Africa?"

Homemade dog biscuits.

"Kibbled, canned and frozen were non-starters. But he'll often accept a ice ribeye as long as it's been properly dry aged."

"For this dish we'll need to sauté the onion with the week-old, moldy, ant-covered French fry over medium heat. Then, we lightly flash boil our dehydrated mouse..."

"She's eating in tonight."

'May I have two containers - fish for my cat, meat for the dog...vegetables divided as follows, one-fourth for the cat, three-fourths for the dog, but no carrots for the cat - kitty doesn't like carrots...'

'I know you are doing your best, but it will be great when Pat comes home.'

'That's not exactly what I had in mind.'

'Fruits, vegetables, meat, eggs and cooked beans! He gets a better dinner than I do!'

'You realize you're spoiling Bilbo.'

"Look, I’m sorry - it’s not Asian fusion night!"

"As a dog he's incredible. As a chef he's just okay."

"Your 'presentation' could use some work."

"Some dehydrated corn and bone meal for the gentleman, perhaps?"

'Let's see... that's one 'last week's leftovers' and two 'third grader's homework', right?'

"Wait! I forgot the garnish."

"Teaching him to use a knife and fork was easy but he still can't tell a Merlot from a Chianti!"

'I hope your 'kittycat gourmet delight' tastes better than my 'doggy sirloin supreme!''

Water. Food. Garnish.

"We'll be needing a high chair for spot."

"If we list it now, you could be eating filet mignon every night for the rest of your life!"

The Four Basic Food Groups - Dry, moist, biscuit, bone.

'I'll take your word for it that dog food tastes good on crackers.'

"Is there another table that isn't so close to the bathroom?"

'I'm thinking celebrity pet's cookery nightmare make-over...'

"Well-done coming right up."

"I'm so tired of eating meals from a can...I could spit!"