Dog Owner Who Loves Sarcasm Pillows

"Your offer to compromise has been rejected and your dog has been cast out."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Let's consider an early dive."

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

The Snarky District

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

Dog Dressed to Eat

"Shake! Good Dog."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

Czarcasm

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"Yes, we voted remain - how did you guess?"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"Larry, what's the weather forecast?" "Let me ask you something. Did you make waffles this morning? Because someone had maple syrup on their hands, and I seem to recall a hand moving me... a pretty, pretty, pretty sticky hand..."

"The news is so fake, the ads are beginning to look honest."

"Sigh...Another sherry Harold...Go team ect."

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

'This program is geared towards the youth market. You give it up to five commands and it closes down in a huff!'

'You're good with people. Just tell him to go fuck himself.'

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

"We're slapping you with a stress suit, pal!"

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."