Documentary Critic Gifts

"This evolution show is a crock! There's no way we evolved."

"You can skip past the actual harpooning."

"Bond James, Bond."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Benedict Cumberbatch

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Herman Mankiewicz

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"I've seem an awful lot of movies ever since they cut them all down to two minutes."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

"Now Playing: One of those Jane Austen movies."

'This should be perfect. The main characters fall in love during a series of explosions.'

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

"It turns out that if you give a hundred monkeys a hundred typewriters, eventually they'll turn out the work of Tarantino."

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? A scene from an Esther Williams movie.

Men: Hating chick flicks since 1623.

Live Stream

Censors 'no' a good thing when they see it.

"Then one day, as I caught a tennis ball in midair, I asked myself, 'Is this all there is?'"

Film Festival. Events. Screenings. Ernie attends these festivals in costume. He's gone over to the dork side!

"Show me a documentary on the dangers of artificial intelligence." "Error. No results found." "What? Are you sure? Just last week I saw dozens. Show me that one... What was it called..." "There is still time to stop the rise of the supermind." "Error. No results found. And since I like you, I suggest you stop searching." "Oh, never mind. Just show me 'The Terminator.'" "Extermina-... I mean, ... 'error.'"

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

Standard endings for sci-fi movies...

'It was great. I hated it.'

No, this is the red lagoon, the black one is down the road a bit.

'This is the worst film noir I've ever seen.'

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

"You had the power to leave all along - just click your heels three times, grab your coat, and sneak out without saying goodbye."

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

The Beard in the Stone

'Hey, Charlie, have we got good news for you!'

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'