Doctor Joke Fan Pillows

"You have a heart murmur and I'm starting to hear your liver and kidneys complain."

'He's a good specialist but he pokes. You need one who prods.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

Lactose Intolerant

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

"I think it stopped breathing."

'Who wants to be examined first?'

Dog forced to return bone

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

"It's probably a fracture - we'll do some imaging on it just to be sure."

'That's not what I meant by 'IV'.'

"Well, you may not have the body of an athlete, but you certainly have the foot of one."

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'My goodness, how many miricle drugs did they give you?'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

"I try to 'go with the flow' doc, but my prostate is an unwilling participant!"

"Look, look … someone wrote unoperable."

Hypochondria Hospital

'I've discovered you have feet of clay.'

"Here comes the super-visor."

Deep in the Heart of Texas: The Cholesterol Kid.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend keeping their stethoscopes in the freezer.