Doctor's Humor Fan Pillows

"Good news. You're not ready for a kick-the-bucket list."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

'A Caesarian? - But I want my son to be a natural-born citizen!'

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

"I think it stopped breathing."

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

"That's where the pain gets me, doc."

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

"It's probably a fracture - we'll do some imaging on it just to be sure."

'That's not what I meant by 'IV'.'

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

'My goodness, how many miricle drugs did they give you?'

"Well, you may not have the body of an athlete, but you certainly have the foot of one."

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

"It says you need a CT scan and that the azaleas in the corner need to be watered twice daily."

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'