Doctor's Humor Fan Pillows

"Good news. You're not ready for a kick-the-bucket list."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"I think it stopped breathing."

'A Caesarian? - But I want my son to be a natural-born citizen!'

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

"That's where the pain gets me, doc."

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"It's probably a fracture - we'll do some imaging on it just to be sure."

'That's not what I meant by 'IV'.'

'My goodness, how many miricle drugs did they give you?'

"Well, you may not have the body of an athlete, but you certainly have the foot of one."

"It says you need a CT scan and that the azaleas in the corner need to be watered twice daily."

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."