Divorce Jokester Pillows

'My trial marriage was dismissed for lack of evidence.'

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'They were all out of roses.'

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

'Why can't you just think irrationally every once in a while?'

"Well, he is at the age now here the repairs are starting to happen. Very quickly the cost exceeds the benefit. You better think about a new one."

"When I'm with you, Ted, I feel dirty."

"If I'd known, I would've changed my vows to; Until bald and fat do we part."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Why Walter!! Are you getting fresh?!!'

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

'Mom, would you have married Dad if you had seen him in high definition first?'

'Is this what you're looking for, dear?'

"It's cardio day for me and external-obliques day for Joan."

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

"Even after all these years, I still find it very exciting using my vote to cancel out your father's."

"They say you're supposed to listen to what your body is telling you."

"I liked you better as my first husband."

'I should warn you -- I don't have any tattoos.'

"Please yourself, I'll add salt if you like but I'm only dyeing a pair of socks..."

"Tell me, have you ever been in a church prior to getting married?"

"I hate her snoring, especially during sex."

Although not under the covers, a mime husband's fart inside an invisible box is still considered a Dutch oven.

'...I now pronounce you man and wife. You may assume the position.'