Divine Market Analyst Gifts

"Lucky for you, you died during a bear market."

"You are running low on cloud storage space. Please upgrade your account to continue."

Local News in Heaven

"I'm not only a Guardian Angel, I'm also an expert at turnarounds."

'Okay - who leaked?'

'You're my economic advisor. What'll I do?'

The Ordered List

'God sees everything? You mean He channel surfs?'

'Was it Nietzsche who said, whatever doesn't kill your portfolio makes it stronger?'

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

'I was on my way to Heaven, when they stumbled across my blog...'

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

'Wow! -- Talk about family values!'

God's failing sales chart in evidence at meeting. God says 'Okay, any ideas?'

How's my Sermon . . .

The church of our lady of wall street.

'let's work with what we've got -- take a few of the more promising apes, and add some extra memory.'

To err is human, but to have your stocks recover from a plummet is divine.

"Attendance is way down. He's just trying to jazz up the place..."

Yahweh/Your Way

National Academy of Short Selling.

"It's very nice. I just think they could add a spa."

Apostle shopping at 'Aeroapostle' Store.

Stockbrokers - The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away."

Land Sale

Sell the Universe !

Today's lesson: the plague of darkness

'Well of course I believed, but I never really thought it was true.'

Ad Meeting With God.

I'll have your guidance on future earnings in a second.

Heavenly politics. Campaigns here are different from those down on earth. Saint Peter has a complete file on everybody, so there's total transparency up here. Our debates are friendly and the ads are all positive. And here the incumbent in the highest office always runs unopposed. That's all true, but in one way the camaigns up here are just like the ones on earth. They go on for eternity.

'Intriguing theory, Dr. Kleinherz, but the fact that the Universe is expanding doesn't necessarily mean that God is a capitalist.'

Sign on the Pearly Gates reads: 'Now hiring.' Man says, 'We're in luck!'

"Got any ID?"

"Yes, reverend, all our stocks are faith-based.2