Divine Finance Analysts Gifts

'Apparently so. In the opinion of the Bishop, God would be filthy rich.'

"You are running low on cloud storage space. Please upgrade your account to continue."

Local News in Heaven

"Perhaps more people would give heed unto the word of the Lord if the Lord had a funny blog."

"I'm not only a Guardian Angel, I'm also an expert at turnarounds."

'Okay - who leaked?'

'You're my economic advisor. What'll I do?'

"Lucky for you, you died during a bear market."

'God sees everything? You mean He channel surfs?'

'I was on my way to Heaven, when they stumbled across my blog...'

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

'Wow! -- Talk about family values!'

The church of our lady of wall street.

God's failing sales chart in evidence at meeting. God says 'Okay, any ideas?'

'Sharing the petrol costs didn't bother me, but I resent having to pay half for the condoms!'

To err is human, but to have your stocks recover from a plummet is divine.

"Attendance is way down. He's just trying to jazz up the place..."

Put it in writing!

Yahweh/Your Way

"It's very nice. I just think they could add a spa."

Stockbrokers - The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away."

Today's lesson: the plague of darkness

Sell the Universe !

'Well of course I believed, but I never really thought it was true.'

"If you're generous when the collection plate is passed around, I'll make my sermon ten minutes shorter than usual."

Ad Meeting With God.

'Intriguing theory, Dr. Kleinherz, but the fact that the Universe is expanding doesn't necessarily mean that God is a capitalist.'

Heavenly politics. Campaigns here are different from those down on earth. Saint Peter has a complete file on everybody, so there's total transparency up here. Our debates are friendly and the ads are all positive. And here the incumbent in the highest office always runs unopposed. That's all true, but in one way the camaigns up here are just like the ones on earth. They go on for eternity.

'Every week a sum of money the size of this rainforest disappears to service the UK's national debt.'

Smoking away money.

"Yes, reverend, all our stocks are faith-based.2

"Got any ID?"

'I see you've laid up for yourselves treasures in heaven. Is this some sort of tax dodge?'

Heavenly Tennis.

'Well, we'd better review the tapes.'