Directive Decoder Gifts

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 56% more cheerful within 18 months

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

"Are you sure there wasn't a floor model?"

'You might show a little excitement at the figures, Johnson!'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

DIY horror.

'Stocks shot up. . . no one on the committee could understand a word that Bernanke was saying.'

'Physical or Social Science?'

Information vs. confusion

"The deadline for compliance just kicked in."

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'Decoding is often 1, 14, 20, 9, 3, 12, 9, 13, 1, 3, 20, 9, 3.'

'I heard it through the grapevine.'

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

"Well, yes, I suppose I could explain the test results in 'plain English' — but then you'd know how sick you are."

Mixed marriage: food fight

"It's the latest directive from senior management about how to run a 'paperless office'!"

'I'll be right with you after I've checked my messages, dear...'

"Let me guess: Step two, add sand."

'It's this one here, that I don't understand.'

"The doctors call it Polymyositis, but I call it 'Military Arthritis' because it comes with a lot of fatigue."

'On the paupiettes de boeuf a la hongroise, which part is the hongroise?'

Maze of legalities.

"You got my text... but did you get my subtext?"

'Baby and Child Care Guidelines'

"Hey, got your message. Just wanted to let you know you spelled 'desperately' wrong."

'Is this a Greek restaurant?'

Before graduating, students at Flegburn High were required to read their diplomas out loud.

"The chocolate pudding is chef's digital signature dish."

"This is my voice mail."

'No offense, but some of these sound a little PREACHY.'

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

"i'm trying to remember the type of California white wine but I like, but my mind keeps drawing a blanc."

'I think we took a wrong turn.'

There's no pleasing him. He tells me to go the extra mile and then compalins when I'm late for work!