Diplomatic Dodger Gifts

"If this meeting becomes too heated, we'll create a distraction...like running out the door."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'We can't go on meeting like this'.

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

"You need to stop taking your work home with you. Take mine instead."

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

"Legal and accounting were O.K. with it, but I had trouble getting it past archery."

"What kind of 'best friend' expects you to pick up their sh*t?"

'I've been depressed ever since PBS said pigs are smarter than dogs!'

"Here's another fine mess you've gotten us into."

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

Landing That Tough Account

Vladimir Putin as Uncle Sam

'It's Always 'Good Dog'—Never 'Great Dog.'

'A Telegram, M'Lord.'

'A listener from Ridgeway asks, 'When visiting a friend, is it improper to drink out of the toilet unless asked first?' Good question...'

'Don't forget to talk about their dog!'

"I'm just saying, studies show that owning a human can improve the quality of your life."

"Wow, interesting, looks like she's not just being mean: research shows that chocolate is actually bad for us. . ."

'Oh, yes, you will get off!'

"I'm about ready to forgive the French."

'You can't charm me out of this chair.'

'Making a To-Do List is on my Bucket List.'

Good duck, bad duck.

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

Advantages of Growing Older

"It was humiliating! First, he told me to beg and then he wanted me to roll over and pretend I was dead...so, I bit him!"

Negotiations

"Is your dog going to rip our heads off … I mean, friendly?"

'Okay, how do we do this?'

"Okay, the first rule of rolling in s***e club is no one talks about rolling in s***e club."

'Whew! Looks like the Tuna Surprise isn't much of a hit!'

"Our marriage is like the Middle East conflict combined with North and South Korea."

A New Development in the war between the Sexes: Guilt Seeking Missile