Diplomatic Dodger T-Shirts

"If this meeting becomes too heated, we'll create a distraction...like running out the door."

'We can't go on meeting like this'.

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

"You need to stop taking your work home with you. Take mine instead."

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

"Legal and accounting were O.K. with it, but I had trouble getting it past archery."

"What kind of 'best friend' expects you to pick up their sh*t?"

'I've been depressed ever since PBS said pigs are smarter than dogs!'

Landing That Tough Account

Vladimir Putin as Uncle Sam

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

"Here's another fine mess you've gotten us into."

'It's Always 'Good Dog'—Never 'Great Dog.'

'A Telegram, M'Lord.'

'A listener from Ridgeway asks, 'When visiting a friend, is it improper to drink out of the toilet unless asked first?' Good question...'

'Don't forget to talk about their dog!'

'You can't charm me out of this chair.'

"Wow, interesting, looks like she's not just being mean: research shows that chocolate is actually bad for us. . ."

'Oh, yes, you will get off!'

"I'm about ready to forgive the French."

'Making a To-Do List is on my Bucket List.'

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

"It was humiliating! First, he told me to beg and then he wanted me to roll over and pretend I was dead...so, I bit him!"

Good duck, bad duck.

Negotiations

Advantages of Growing Older

A New Development in the war between the Sexes: Guilt Seeking Missile

'Mr. big shot scientist who works 18 hours a day at a prestigious lab developing high strength corrosion inhibitors, but can I get him to spend 2 minutes getting rust stains out of our own tub? No.'

"Is your dog going to rip our heads off … I mean, friendly?"

"Our marriage is like the Middle East conflict combined with North and South Korea."

'Okay, how do we do this?'